Manual Pursuit of Perfection: Soul To Speak

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At Kobo, we try to ensure that published reviews do not contain rude or profane language, spoilers, or any of our reviewer's personal information. You submitted the following rating and review. We'll publish them on our site once we've reviewed them. That's part of the definition of being human. Consider the expression "I'm just human. In our culture we move relentlessly toward greater emphasis on achievement and goal attainment.

Thus Aristotle gives us his definition of happiness:

We ask our children what their grade was, not what they learned. We tend to measure our lives in terms of success and achievement and lose perspective on what it may mean to live well. This ruptures any sense of balance in our lives. We seem to lose the capacity for wonder and awe. Could you imagine looking at a magnificent rainbow and complaining that the width of one color was imperfect because it was narrower than the other colors? Not only would that be ridiculous, we'd also be ruining the splendor of the moment.

And yet that is exactly what we do when we judge ourselves for our imperfections. We forget that as humans we're part of nature, as well. As such, we would benefit if we came into acceptance of the natural flow of life, which by the way, happens to be imperfect.

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In truth, the notions of perfect or imperfect are simply constructs of mind and have no actual basis other than thought has created them. The notion of perfection has existed since ancient Greece, but in it's more modern incarnation, it is a construct of Newton's machine. It has no business, however, in a participatory worldview.

We internalize this model of perfection and imbue upon it some intrinsic truth, and then may spend our lives wastefully pursuing that "truth. Ironically, if someone ever could achieve this impossible state of perfection, it's likely that very few people would tolerate him or her. For the perfect individual would be a constant reminder to all others of their shortcomings. Not to mention that they probably wouldn't be much fun to be with. Who would really tolerate, let alone enjoy, being with someone who was perfect?

I have often counseled people who were beleaguered by their need to be perfect. I have come to learn that their pursuit of perfection is really a disguise for their insecurity. It becomes a statement that I'm not good enough just as I am. When we do that, we judge ourselves. Usually we strive toward being perfect to compensate for a sense of inadequacy. People who want to be perfect usually have an exaggerated sense of their own shortcomings. They typically received messages earlier in life that they weren't good enough.

So they decided that only by being perfect would they be beyond reproach. With such an affliction, we might look at perfectionism as a compensation for earlier life experiences that violated somone's well-being and self-esteem. As a compensatory response, the drive toward perfection is erroneously sought as a solution. Perfectionists tend to think that other people are somehow better or superior to them, so they need to be without flaw just to catch up. This is a terribly damaging myth. Individuals who seek perfection are more sensitive to the judgments of others.

In fact, these judgments are most often imagined. Everyone has an opinion, but elevating someone else's opinion to the status of being a judge is really silly. After all, someone else can't really judge you unless you confer upon him or her the power of being a judge. The only perfection is in being present, yet the perfectionist is never present. The closest thing to perfection is in the ability to be fully present.

Without any distracting thoughts measuring or grading ourselves, we're free to really be in the moment. It's in that moment that we're truly alive. Yet, the perfectionist isn't typically present as they're either busy critiquing the past and replaying their every decision or worrying about their future choices. So you see, the perfectionist is never really present.

Isn't that ironic?

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The pursuit of perfection limits our ability to be present and literally robs us of the vitality of life. It is unachievable, unimaginable and frankly undesirable, so why pursue it? Your time would be far better spent in delving into how to transcend the insecurity that catalyzed the desire for perfection in the first place. Analyzing, measuring and judging are the tools of the perfectionist. We might recall that these are the central tenets of Newton's paradigm and as such we can see that perfectionism is symptomatic of that tired worldview.

In my work as a psychotherapist I often see individuals who are plagued by a relentless measuring of themselves.

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These people carry on an internal dialogue whereby their critical voice is enslaving, as they feel compelled to judge and measure most aspects of their lives. In such circumstances, these individuals rarely get to be present. Even when in conversation with others, they are only partly there, for a more private aspect is carrying on a self-critique at the same time. Sometimes, I learn that their inner dialogue actually speaks in the second person. Rather than speaking in the first person - "I" - the voice speaks even more critically by saying, "You.

There is literally a measuring voice in many people that becomes the critical second party. Sometimes, this simply replicates the childhood experience of the critical parent. The greater problem is that the victim of the childhood abuse integrates the measuring voice as his or her own! I have never encountered the second person voice speaking approvingly to one's self - only critically. You can't be in two places at the same time except in cases of quantum entanglement , and you can't engage two thoughts simultaneously.

Every moment in which you measure or judge yourself is a moment you didn't choose a better and healthier option. Your lost opportunity for peacefulness and mindfulness is never reached, for the analyzing, measuring voice never relents. These are missed moments of valuable life experiences. If a significant percentage of your thoughts are self-critical, then indeed you have scripted that life experience for yourself. You are missing the rich experience of joyful life. Just think about how this impacts your relationships.

If you're not present for yourself, how can you be for another? If you feel perturbed by your own discontent, it has untold consequences in your relations with others. As a baseball fan, I've often been curious about those who sit in the stands with pencil and scorecard in hand. They make note of most every transaction of the game - a measuring if you will. Yet they miss the poetic elegance and flow of the game. If you measure yourself, you'll miss out on the flow of life.

I'm not, however, proposing an anything goes attitude. There is a vast difference between the measuring analysis of our thoughts or a reflective self-evaluation. Evaluating is a gentler and subtler checking in, whereas measuring makes a much deeper and incisive cut into the fabric of our being.

Such measuring ruptures the integrity of our life experience and severs our greater participation in and with life. You cannot engage in the flow of life if you are mired in analytical self-measurement. I'm the exact guy you're talking about. I work in television, and when I go into the "writers' room," where we pitch story ideas, I absolutely freeze, and it's becoming a mental stutter that's hampering my career.

It has always plagued my creative endeavors--the idea that by showing my work, I'm exposing my own inner unsatisfactoriness. It's a bummer and sucks the fun out of most creative activities. Even writing letters to friends and relatives Facebook included, for crying-out-loud is stultified by my self-judgment. Reading Albert Ellis and Alan Cohen helps, but I'm getting desperate enough to try hypnotherapy and acupuncture to get over it.

Thanks for shedding light on this. I appreciate how overwhelming this paralysis feels for you. Your thoughts are getting stuck in an unrelenting self-attack. It's an ironic coincidence, but I logged into my computer today to delete my psychologytoday blog feeds for the forseeable future, because I realised thata big reason I constantly read them was from this constant desire to try and correct myself and my behaviour.

But I decided to look at this post first, because there was the real problem at the top of the list! I'm 24 and have fought a lot of long and hard battles with decimated self esteem and depression. Now, I have come to the stage where I have a great deal of confidence in myself and my abilities, and am gratified by a genuine self-belief when I consider myself and my life. But somehow I still cannot quite translate that belief into the social situations that I have always found hardest.

I do better, and yet this obsessive self-monitoring that you describe remains, preventing my subconscious from doing the natural flow thing which it does in the presence of people I already know respect me and whom I can trust. It is most insidious when it comes to insecurities about romantic relationships, making it difficult to show the best of myself in a way that is natural. It's always seemed like a catch 22, trying to think of a way to stop thinking about things. But the next step is to try and do what seems counter-intuitive, to let go by simply refusing to engage in these kinds of thoughts.

It's difficult, but from breaking the rest of this crap, I know that you can change the way you think about things if you accept the failures are part of the learning experience, and one which takes time. It's a process of erosion rather than a coup de grace.